Failure Was Never So Bitter Sweet.

I've been putting in a shitload of work over at Dig Bmx Magazine over the past three issues,so yes that rules alot. On to some shitty news,my partner with Delco Brand Clothing has moved on from the BMX and clothing business and is more into getting his "real life" started.
Its never fun to see your buddies fall off,but thats reality. And fuck me if it doesn't suck dog dick. But life goes on,you just have to deal with it,regardless of how much rubbish you have to deal with to wear a smile on your face. For a while I gave up on pretty much everything,after a disaster of a trip to the Midwest where I ruined a very good friendly relationship with a female friend of mine. After that came my knee injury,and the negative shit just kept pilling up like the trash bags full of leaves under the trees in mid autumn.
Aside from writing for Dig,I work at my local township Police station. Im a clerk,no more no less,I answer phones,watch the cells,and hold down shop. I usually work 12am-8am,or 4pm-12am. Tonight it is 4pm-8am,sixteen hours of my eyes being fried open by monitors and never knowing what may happen.
Im not complaining but after a miserable 25th birthday,which no one showed up to,or spending NYE with friends only to fall asleep out of my head at a mere 12:30am. I started taking more,and more pain medication for my knee. I figured,shit if it doesn't hurt I can ride on my knee. Very bad idea,not only was I moving away from the green and getting into pain medication to make it so I could go out and ride,and in a more negative light to forget the situation I caused for myself and my friend many miles from home.
One day I woke up,and just said fuck it. No more destroyers of my body,I want to be as motivated and happy as I was before I was twenty one. I just couldn't let go of the fact that I was into someone who wanted nothing to do with me and my shitty ways of living. I tried and tried to get over it,to no avail. Then when Dolecki asked me to write some words for Dig,I jumped at the chance. It feels good to be asked to do something for people and a publication you respect.
Does this oppertunity get me the girl? This isn't a John Cussack film. I just have to move on. To what? I have no fucking idea to be honest. I mean shit I didn't even have a girl in my life who liked me,and who I liked back until I was nineteen years of age. When I was in high school I just traveled the States on my bmx,shredding pools,and whatever else was rideable. It was a good time,but I didn't have a back up plan. I never had a normal high school career. I would travel and hang with the older guys,bike night at the old skatepark was more important than social studies.Most of all BMX was more important to me than chicks. I wasn't the best looking dude,I always seemed to smash my face up before each High School dance. Im very consistant with injuries it seems. But,yeah I never kissed the girls I always wanted to kiss. And I don't blame them for wanting nothing to do with me and my fucked up ideals,ratty hair,and broken front teeth.
But what is this rant about aside from killing time?I still have like eleven hours of work. I just wanted to say that Im sorry for everything,and to everyone I ever did wrong in these past twenty five years. Especially over the past three years,and my four years in High School. It just gets a bit old riding FDR alone,solo street sessions,and not having your cellphone make a peep for days.
Now Im in no way a grown up,I was just told by my shift SGT. that I look like a fucking mess. Yes he is right,I really let myself just fall down the black hole towards rock bottom in my heart. Every other chick who seems into me,just cannot seem to commit,or has another boy in their lives who isn't an asshole who smokes too much green. Im ashamed,embarresed and really could crawl into a ditch,put a fucking bullet in my head and say FUCK IT. But what Im getting at is maybe BMX is the answer at least for me in my personal life. Sure Im not tailwhipping double flights of stairs,or over crooked grinding 34 stair rails,I still have a smile on my face everytime I rip aroun a tight bowl corner,down a ledge,or just bombing a hill.
I just feel with this chance over at Dig that I can kind of start over again,build up more local respect and maybe have the ammount of friends I had before. I miss my life,and most importantly I never really had a chance to tell my feelings straight to the person I always wanted to spend more time with. It will never happen,but just to feel a meaningful hug again would probably ruin me. I'd collapse with just this over abundance of happiness. So I reckon that the point of this rant is that,you really never know who you have until they're gone,or maybe just think your the trash of the world. Its not my heart,and its not my feelings. I just feel as if this needed to be said. Go watch some videos on and talk some shit up over there. Thanks for your time if you actually read this. See you at 8am.
-Schnell